


The 23 Christmas Office Holiday Party Rules (According to Yahoo)

by OnlyTheBeginning



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, I am not ashamed, M/M, This will get long, You should run while you can
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-11
Updated: 2012-12-11
Packaged: 2017-11-20 21:40:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 3,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyTheBeginning/pseuds/OnlyTheBeginning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There are rules to this party that everyone will follow- yes that includes you Stark. If I see anything that even smacks of stupid I will find a punishment that will last all of 2013". </p>
<p>In which Fury doesn't understand how every single rule is broken by the end of the party.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rule # 1

Rule # 1 "There are two types of company holiday parties. There are company holiday parties in which employees bring their spouses or significant others and perhaps their adorable little kids, and then there are the company holiday parties in which employees typically go alone. Friends and family parties end promptly at 9 p.m. and everyone gets home safely. Employees-only company parties usually last 36 hours and result in at least six people being reported as missing". 

Director Nick Fury was used to stupidity, in fact he dealt with it daily as Director of Shield. Adding the Avengers to his list was merely adding a few more super-powered, irresponsible, and possibly challenged in several areas pieces of wood for the fire. 

However, even he felt the first tremor of change when December arrived and the Shield agents began to talk of the upcoming holiday party. When he saw Stark trying to convince Thor that this was "a Midgardian time of foolish pranks and much mead" he felt the need to set some ground rules. 

Rule number 1 was that this was to be the first kind of holiday party, the kind where everyone could have (if they weren't a secret government branch) brought their families and left promptly at 9 p.m. 

This rule was broken approximately five minutes into the party, when Stark and Barton proceeded to poison the punch bowl, intoxicate several agents in less than half an hour, and by the end of the night at least 6 agents were reported as missing, one stayed missing until New Years.


	2. Rule # 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2\. It's OK to be the first person at the company holiday party. Just don't be the last person at the company holiday party.

Rule # 2 was mostly for clean-up purposes, this one wasn't broken so much as bent and puked on as the last party goers were heavily intoxicated and could barely function much less vacuum. 

There were streamers, cups, arrows, and various bits of metal from broken eating utensils (Fury did not want to think about that again until next year) lying on the floor. The punch bowl had been smashed by a drunken god of thunder, there were holes throughout the room's walls, and for some reason a smear of cake across the door. 

Fury marched across all the broken bits of pandemonium and shoved a broom and mop into three agents hands. "It better be sparkling in 48 hours, or you'll be decorating next year's party" he threatened, then left to sit in his office and review the security footage.


	3. Rule # 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3\. For the last time: that little pastry hors d'oeuvre being passed around on a tray? It's stuffed with cheese and mushroom. You've been going to the same company holiday party for the past seven years and it's always been cheese and mushroom. Stop asking.

"I can't decide what's in these" a very drunk Tony Stark muttered, pulling apart yet another appetizer. He had been doing this to about ten hors d'oeuvres in a row, then stuffing them in his mouth. 

"Bruce! Come eeeere!" he called, waving his food like a spastic child. Bruce penguined over (apparently the Hulk couldn't get drunk but the good doctor could) and let Tony feed him bits of food.

Clint, who was pouring yet another version of "hillbilly alcohol" for Thor announced tartly, "It's the same thing they've been serving for seven years! Just eat the damned thing". 

"Why don't YOU EAT IT!" Tony hollered, throwing his leftover hors d'oeuvre at Clint's face and missing, instead it smacked Steve in the back of his head who then turned around and made a face when he realized Tony had just effectively smeared the food all down the back of his neck. 

"Food fight!" Clint yelled, spurring Thor into throwing creme puffs at the two scientists.


	4. Rule # 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4\. The company holiday party is not the moment to try Jagermeister or walking on your hands for the first time.

"Come on, you can do eet!" she yelled, holding his ankles above his head. "For the last time, I don't bend this way! I may be flexible, but this is just nuts" Clint yelled. 

"Pssh, don't be such a spoilsport. You can fire arrows anywhere in the room but you can't do a handstand?" she teased, refusing to let go of his ankles. 

"Coulson, help meeee! There's a fork tine embedded in my hand!" Clint pleaded as they passed the senior agent. 

Coulson, who had exchanged his usual suit for a Hawaiian t-shirt and black slacks and was wearing a sombrero on his head covered with swinging corks, merely glanced over and replied, "Not my jurisdiction" and went back to his debate on if tofu was available on alien planets. 

"So help me I'm never letting you drink Jagermeister ever again!" Clint nearly squealed as Natasha held onto his ankles and dragged him around the room.


	5. Rule # 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5\. If your company's holiday party is taking place in a swanky penthouse with piles of lobster, expensive champagne, trapeze artists and Coldplay performing live on stage, immediately run back to the office and clear out your desk, because your company is declaring bankruptcy tomorrow.

"This could have been done so much better if Pepper had planned this" Tony said as he poured the vodka/absinthe mix into the punch bowl. 

Clint, who was on lookout duty, merely shrugged, "I think the only time we'll get a really cool holiday party is if the President puts us out of business". 

Tony perked up, "And then we could throw a real party! With trapeze artists and lobster instead of cheese puffs or whatever the Hell those monstrosities are over there" he exclaimed. 

Clint smirked, then had a thought. "And Coldplay!" he mock whispered excitedly. 

Tony stopped his pouring to look at Clint, "Honestly Barton, I thought you were a cold, hard killer not some sappy tree hugger" he disdained. 

Clint merely looked at Tony, "Keep talking Stark, we can see just who Fury busts first for this". 

"Touche"


	6. Rule # 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6\. The five scariest words anyone can say at the company holiday party: "Sure, I can totally DJ!"

Fury walked back into the party to see Stark at the DJ table, madly trying to spin a record and drink from a champagne bottle at the same time. 

"Coulson, what is Stark doing up there?" Fury asked, wisely ignoring his senior agent's garb. 

"DJing sir, apparently when drunk enough Mr. Stark can produce what he calls 'bitchin dubstep'" Coulson explained calmly while holding a martini glass of smoking blue liquid. 

"It sounds like a dying cat being stepped on" Fury remarked calmly, trying not to plug his ears. 

"That it does sir" Coulson nodded, causing the corks on his hat to dance madly.


	7. Rule # 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 7\. If you see the company CEO at the holiday party, walk right up and give the boss a 90-minute, detailed lecture on all of the things you would do differently if you were the boss. Highly encouraged! All CEOs love a good unsolicited 90-minute lecture.

Fury knew he was in for it when he saw a very, very drunken Thor come wobbling up to him.

"Man of the Eye-patch!" he called, then seemed to realize he was booming over everyone's conversations. Fury sighed and nodded, "Thor".

"I have much to discuss with you Man of Fury, particularly about the mead served at this gathering" Thor began, waving a tankard of something smelling like pure grain alcohol around.

Fury then stood there for approximately 90 minutes (really he timed it, 90 whole minutes) and drowned out the sound of Thor, god of thunder, lecture and scold him and the complexity of Asgardian mead.

After he felt the need to shower from standing so close to the fumes of Thor's tankard. And maybe invest in some god-strength duct tape.


	8. Rule # 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 8\. Counting calories? Here's an easy office-party diet tip. Before going to the party, drink one glass of water and eat a banana and a handful of raw almonds. It will fill your stomach, and you will only wind up eating 94 crab cakes, 47 mini egg rolls, 54 nachos, 18 ounces of cheese, a leg of lamb, 11 brownies and four ice cream sandwiches—plus a glass of water, a banana and a handful of raw almonds.

He had been trying to eat healthy, even if he needed to eat a lot. He had carefully consumed a handful (or three) of almonds, a banana, and a few glasses of water before coming to the party. 

He tried not to eat too much, knowing it was all junk food, but everything was so tiny and edible! 

By the end of the night Tony had staggered up next to him and handed Bruce a $50 bill, "Last count was 94 crab cakes, 47 egg rolls, 54 nachos, 10 ounces of cheese, 11 brownies, and an entire chicken....You win Banner" then turned to him, "How could you Steve, you said you ate before the party!" Tony cried as Bruce shoved the bill in his jean pocket and danced. 

"I was hungry" Steve said defensively, his eyes running over the desert table. Oooh cupcakes...


	9. Rule # 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9\. If you work in a company with an art department, just know the people in the art department have more fun than anybody. They have expensive haircuts and cooler shoes, and after the company party, they're going to a better party, and you're absolutely not invited.

Bruce watched the guys from the art department, wary of their every movement. Clint sauntered over, a glass with the word "PIMP" encrusted with fake pink diamonds on the front in his hand. 

"What cha doin?" he asked, standing next to Bruce and moving to stare over at the art guys. 

"Clint is there going to be an after party?" Bruce asked stiffly. 

"Nope" Clint said, popping the P, "Why?"

"Those guys are talking about some after party" Bruce mentioned, his body language calming. Here he thought he was being excluded. Again. 

"Oh those guys are from the uh. Hmm I'm not sure where they're from" Clint said, squinting at them. 

"Art department" Bruce reiterated. 

"We have an art department? What the Hell does a secret government agency need an art department for? Why is the room spinning?" Clint asked, suddenly peering into his cup, "Have I been drugged?" 

Bruce looked over and grinned, "No Clint, I think your pimp glass is a little too big" he replied, trying not to laugh when Clint began to cry when a pink diamond fell off the glass.


	10. Rule # 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10\. Yup: It really is called a Pig in a Blanket and don't think too hard about it or it will completely weird you out.

"So its called a... pig in a... blanket? Why?" Steve asked, staring at the bread-wrapped hot dog. 

"Because some guy a long ass time ago thought it would be cool to wrap a hot dog in a piece of bread and cook it? I don't know" Tony shrugged, stuffing another into his mouth. 

"In the U.K. they use bacon instead of bread" Natasha informed them, taking another shot of Jagermeister. 

Tony gagged, "That sounds disgusting, that's like wrapping a piece of pig meat in a piece of..... what is a hot dog made out of anyway?" he asked, staring at the tray of hot dogs. 

"Meat trimmings and fat" Natasha answered. 

Tony star in horror at the tray, "I just ate meat trimmings and fat rolled in a piece of bread" he said aghast. 

"Next you'll be one of the 66% of Americans who are overweight" Natasha said, smirking as she took another shot. 

"I think I'm going to be sick" Steve said, watching as Tony ran to the punch bowl and nearly shoved his face in it trying to drink the hot dog taste out of his mouth. 

Natasha shrugged, "You should have seen his last birthday party, now there was a horror story".


	11. Rule # 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11\. Everybody sees you hanging out all night at the shrimp bar eating shrimp. You're not that slick.

Tony pointed to the man at the shrimp table, "That man is eating all the shrimp! He thought we wouldn't see it... but we did" 

The agent stopped mid-shrimp and stammered as the party goers stared at him.


	12. Rule # 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 12\. Unless you have two hours to spare talking about the BCS championship, avoid anyone at the office who went to Notre Dame or Alabama.

Fury walked by as Barton and Coulson were engaged in what looked to be a very heated argument. Of course this was quickly dispelled when he heard just what they were arguing about. 

"Notre Dame could kick Alabama's ass any day of the week! Look at their quarterback!" Clint said, waving his arms around wildly. 

"Ha, don't make me laugh. That kid's a senior this year, whose going to replace him afterward? The freshman with chicken wings?" Coulson asked.

Clint sputtered, "Chicken wings! Oh it is on Coulson, we'll see whose laughing when Notre Dame is the reigning champ next year!". 

"That would imply them winning this year, which is unlikely" Coulson said, his cork hat swinging. 

Fury did not have the mental patience for this shit.


	13. Rule # 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 13\. Dancing at the office holiday party is a bold move—though not as bold as dancing by yourself at the office holiday party.

Thor walked by a table and saw Bruce dancing next to it, singing a very odd song about reindeer and someone called "Santa-clause". 

"Pray green man, what is this dance you are performing?" he asked. 

Bruce merely shrugged as he danced, "Tony gave me some punch, I feel like dancing" he said, wiggling to some unheard beat. 

Thor nodded, "Then I shall have to sample the Man of Iron's punch as well!" he called, running off to find Tony. 

Bruce merely nodded again and went back to dancing.


	14. Rule # 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 14\. If you used to be a decent break dancer "back in the day," and "the day" was sometime during the Reagan administration, you might want to reconsider hitting the floor.

The older agents of Shield were usually so dull and normal. Well, Tony amended, until they were given good alcohol and some old music to break dance to. 

Steve stood next to him, "Tony, is this normal?" he asked, watching as the gray haired man spun on his head. 

"You know I usually don't party hard with senior citizens" Tony said, "But if they do this at their other parties then I think we should start visiting people your age". 

"You know I'm actually only 26" Steve muttered, only a little annoyed. 

Tony shrugged, then clapped when the man began to really break dance. 

"I hope my hips are like that when I'm 60" he replied. 

Steve winced when the man took a head dive into a nearby table, "Hopefully your balance will be better" and went to help him up.


	15. Rule # 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 15\. If your company holiday party is a karaoke party, do yourself a favor. Get a co-worker, spend $2,000 on a vocal coach, take six weeks of lessons and master Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton's "Islands in the Stream." It will be a smash hit, you will both become office legends and will probably get promoted the next day.

This one was all Tony's fault, he admitted it later in a moment of sober clarity while watching the footage. Apparently when drunk he finds Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers very swell. 

Of course, Bruce could have said no at any time, but after drinking a full glass of Tony's vodka/absinthe mix he was more than willing to sing the Kenny part of "Islands in the Stream". 

And then limbo on the dance floor after. Of course, by then Natasha was drunk enough to limbo and ended up winning. Darn Russian killer training. 

What he didn't remember, mostly because he wasn't looking at that particular corner while singing, was the look on Fury's face as the duo sang. 

But he would be saving Fury's split second look of happiness and scary glee as his Christmas card for next year. 

Who knows, maybe he'll get a promotion.


	16. Rule # 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16\. Whoa, you just went to the buffet table and made a sandwich out of two gingerbread cookies and six slices of roast beef. Nice job.

Whoever said you couldn't get a super soldier drunk had never met Tony Stark. After carefully plying him with a synthetic design of pure proof alcohol Tony discovered that a very drunk Steve was a very hungry Steve. 

He walked over to the buffet table to see Steve making the weirdest food he'd ever seen, maybe it was his artistic tendency.

"Whoa, you just went to the buffet table and made a sandwich out of two gingerbread cookies and six slices of roast beef. Nice job" Tony remarked, watching as Steve made yet another sandwich and handed it to another Shield agent (who also become very hungry when drunk. Or maybe it was just the fact that they could say that Captain America made them a sandwich once). 

Either way Tony didn't refuse when Steve smiled at him and offered to make him a sandwich too.


	17. Rule # 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 17\. If you're showing co-workers videos of your cat on your iPhone, it's time to hail a cab home.

"I find these cats to be most entertaining!" Thor boomed, his mead tankard dangling from one hand, an iPhone fisted in another. He waved the phone around, trying to find Jane to show her another video of a cat wearing these "reindeer antlers" and meowing. 

"Lady Jane!" he called, beginning to worry when she didn't show. He was distracted when Coulson deftly slid the tankard from his hand, "Thank you Son of Coul, I would be pleased to have another tankard of mead, but I fear Jane has disappeared!" he said. 

"I think you've had enough Thor" he said pleasantly. Thor squinted at the agent's outfit, "Tell me, is it customary to wear such garb to these parties? I have not seen others wear this before" he asked. 

"Coulson, do not let him dress like that" Jane's voice said from behind him. Thor swirled around and nearly lost his balance, "Lady Jane! Where did you appear from? Have you mastered the art of magic?" he asked. 

She smiled, such a lovely smile. "Nope, just went to hail a cab, I think its time to head home don't you?" she asked. 

He nodded and pocketed the phone, "Have I shown you the video of the cat with these antler ears?" he asked, following her out the door, only swaying slightly.


	18. Rule # 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18\. If you think you're showing co-workers videos of your cat on your iPhone, and it turns out they aren't your co-workers, and you've accidentally gone to another company's company holiday party, it is definitely time to hail a cab home.

Steve looked down as his phone rang. Tony. 

"Hello Tony, where are you?" he answered. 

"Steeeve. I may or may not have um- walked out for a bit of air and walked into a different party. They thought the videos of Thor's LolCats were hilarious, but then they asked me when I started working at Farmer's Insurance. We don't have Farmer's Insurance Steve" he whined. 

Steve sighed and looked at his watch, "Give me your address and I'll be there in a few minutes" he waited until Tony agreed. "And Tony? Don't talk to anyone else okay?". 

"But Steeeevie, they're handing out free drinks and they want to sing karaoke, if Bruce was here we could do Dolly and Kenny again!" Tony said gleefully. 

"No Tony, don't drink anything unless its water and do not sing, I'll be right there" he said, walking out the door. 

"Fine, but if they offer me any scotch I'm taking it and running" he snarked.


	19. Rule # 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 19\. Yes, you can expense the cab home. Expensing the two stolen cases of wine in the trunk might be trickier.

Fury stared at the ticket that was given to him after the party. One taxi cab to Stark Tower was fine, it was the two stolen cases of wine in the trunk that made him curse. 

He picked up the phone and dialed, waiting until he heard a terse hello. 

"I'm charging you for the goddamn wine Barton, you owe me $200. Do it next year and you'll walk home" he said, hanging up the phone. 

....

Clint turned over in bed and laughed miserably, "Fury caught the wine" he said softly. 

Natasha grinned back at him, "Lucky he didn't charge you" she said. 

"He did, the bastard".


	20. Rule # 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 20\. No, you don't need to go to the underground disco after the company holiday party. That's for the employees 25 and under and they're already freaked out that you're in the car with them and demanding to hear Phil Collins.

"Come on, let's have another drink" Tony sang, trying to run down the street with the younger group who were heading to a disco club. Steve chased after him, trying not to laugh as Tony began to sing loudly. 

"Come on Steve, sing with me!" Tony called, his jacket's buttons skewed slightly. "I don't know what you're singing!" he yelled back, following after the dark-haired loon. 

"It's Phil Collins dude" a blonde, lanky 20 something year old said. The others in the group were trying to hail a cab and not stare at the billionaire singing "You'll be in my Heart" in the middle of the sidewalk. 

"Tony!" Steve called, trying to chase the crazy scientist down. He couldn't believe this man, who was older than him technically and a public figure, is dancing down the street shaking his butt like it was on fire. 

"Is he normally like this?" a girl asked, her face showing a little terror when Tony ran into the street and stuck his leg out sexily, trying to hitch a ride. 

"This is calm for him" Steve replied, finally catching the man and fireman hauling him away.


	21. Rule # 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21\. There's always someone who tells you all week they're going to "take it easy and drink only water" at this year's holiday party. At 9:15 p.m., you will look over, and this person will be passed out atop a giant pile of winter coats.

Clint looked over at Darcy and smiled, "Guess she didn't last the hour" he said to Natasha. She shook her head, "And she was dry for the whole week". 

Darcy, who had been a paragon of virtue and sobriety, was currently sleeping on a pile of winter coats on the floor. She had been drinking shots of tequila straight with Jane, but Jane already had years of a college liver under her belt. Darcy was merely a junior, so her liver hadn't had full time to harden like a rock. 

Thus, she was passed out on the coats, her lipstick smeared a little, her hair messed up on one side looking like a cockatoo. 

Many people had tried to take pictures of her but luckily Thor was threatening enough to deter anyone. 

"Come on, let's get her up and home" he said, leaning over to pick her up. 

"Don't wanna get up Jane, stupid IPod is broken" she muttered sleepily.


	22. Rule # 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 22\. French fries at 4:15 a.m. are your best friend in the world.

"Steeeve we need fries!" he yelled from the back seat. Steve, who was sitting in the passenger's side, looked back and said "No Tony, you do not need fries at 4 a.m."

"But Steve" he said, "Fries at 4 a.m. are your best friend" he leaned very close, "Best...friend..." he whispered, his eyes gleaming. 

Steve stared back at Tony for a long time, long enough for the driver to look in his mirror. 

"Can you drive us to the nearest drive-thru? We need to get some fries" he said softly, feeling a blush creep onto his cheeks when Tony smirked triumphantly. 

Maybe it would be a good Christmas after all.


	23. Rule # 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23\. If you come to work the next morning and discover you have 153 messages on your voice mail and a note from human resources: Just go to Starbucks and hide until New Year's Day.

Darcy was slowly waking up from her hangover and groaned when her phone chirped happily. She cracked open an eye, and saw her screen read "153 new messages". 

She sat up and pressed play on her voicemail. Great, a note from HR about her "drunken revelry". The next three were from Jane, then Thor, then the rest of the Avengers, including a few drunken ones from Tony. She re-played one of his messages. 

"......*crackle* Heyyy Darcy-Dar! You'll never guess where I am" his voice lowered to a whisper, "Steve is in my bed, I'm in the bathroom. I just remembered, next time you wanna drink lemme know and we'll pace it. I can teach you the ways of the master" he said, then hiccuped. "I gotta go, my phone is dying. Hmm Jarvis make a note, create longer lasting battery for phone". 

Darcy hung up, cradling her head in her hands. Screw it, she was hiding at Starbucks until New Years. 

Hopefully Fury hadn't seen her drunken antics.


End file.
